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04:26am 02/06/2013
 
34f8552cac56ca422bf48281baa49fb2
The City's deep sigh brings to life a windy symphony
Of rustling leaves; the sway and tap, sway and tap, of clanging shades on wide-open windows.
Lungs, like tiny lichen, surrender--animated by a force not my own; I fall into steady rhythm with the lifebreath of the world around me.
.
In the trickling stream of perception which exists between the moist clay slopes of sleep and sleeplessness, I cherish this soft moment, within and without; this sense of relief from some unnamed burden.
.
I am nestled safe among the tree-tops
Crowned with matted hair and wondering at the impossibility of a life spent held in the arms of one who loves me.
Asleep together on the safe and solid Ancient Earth's surface--I remember it well, gilded and glowing, and wonder at how it will all unfold and at how the wind will carry us.
 
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01:29pm 29/03/2013
 


We had just barely met
and yet
my head + heart
were already filled
with one thousand secret names
which belonged to you.
 
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10:19am 25/10/2012
 

pt. II

You make me feel like I am 15 again in the best way possible;

nervous and excited,

akward and bold.


Tripping over myself 

to brush your shoulder,

catch your eye.


You are soft and strong,

implacably sexy--

yet so deeply

nurturing.


A feel like none I've known,

or perhaps a distant memory so faint I've forgotten it as my own.


 I want to hold your hand.

 Take it slow,

 savor the unfolding,

 the build up.


 I want to kiss every bit of you

 bite your little ears,


 and


see you bare your big white teeth in pleasure;

wake up next to your sweet and sleepy mussed up hair

in sheets warm from our bodies entwined.


I cleaned my house before I left

hoping you might come home with me--

and knowing you would not.


I wanted to laugh and cry by turn

as I watched you kiss her,

saw her hands on your shoulders

hips

thighs.


It feels so fucking good to want you though.


 Even when you want her.


pt. III

 When I'm with you I feel like a baby bird,

 soft but eager.


 I want so badly for you to know that


 I can fly as well as other the other birds

 but when I'm with you, there's no where that I want to go  

 
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Written 3.22.12   
02:10pm 28/09/2012
 


I would like to spend entire days in this room
weeks even
I would lick up the dust beneath each peice of furniture
Peer out the windows on my tiptoes, small hands gripping the sills
Shrink myself just an inch high to explore the landscape beneath my bed, a dandelion bud lantern lighting the way
it would take all that time and maybe more to digest the things that have happened here--to unravel who this room might mean i am

I listen to your music when you're not around, you know

Your voice breaks my fucking heart

I want to tell you this.

But I have no idea who you are.  Or who I am--really.
It takes being around the people who love me to know this--the people who really see me, who will never leave me.

I wish you'd call.  But I have nothing to say anyhow.  

We do all of our best talking with our eyes closed, limbs entwined in your dark room beneath the stairwell.

I tell my mom over an expensive dinner about wanting to play music on the road with you.  I tell her how I want to be alone; how I want you with me.

I think I would like to hear your dreams every morning for a very long time.  When you ask me things like "...forever, or is that too long?" I feel my heart taking a step or two towards you, looking shyly up at your eyes.

...

At one point I'd thought perhaps I'd ask you to come on this trip with me
But decided that would be a mistake, foolish
I'm not sure now.  Maybe it would have been alright.
Or maybe it's just my new lamp, it's dim light begging for the intimate gaze of someone who wants to know me well for the months to come.
 
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Fear not the hissing of Serpents   
01:36pm 09/08/2012
 
"You're just going home..." she whispered to me.  
I was bathed in her breath, in her words.



Surrender Surrender Surrender

"Swim!" I heard someone tell me.  My feet were cold and wet.  
The rest of my body was so hot.  So uncomfortably hot.
I was drowning.  But I was also burning up.
This was all happening very far away.




Learning to navigate

these spaces, familiar

There is no escape
from this existence

there is only surrender


In the corner to my right, I watched a very large She Jungle Snake grinning, slithering into the sunset.
This is Heyókȟa medicine, I chuckled knowingly as I felt myself returning to the usual dimension.

 
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07:17am 02/04/2011
  Nautilus

On this Hundredth sleepless night, I gathered Rose petals from the bushes by the chain link in your front yard
The birds were waking up
I wonder if anyone saw me, holding the flowers entirely in my mouth to feel them in my heart.
I cupped my palms gently around the Ones that looked ready
and they fell to bits beneath my touch, shedding their petals with a grateful sigh

When is was okay to be awake, Black cats mirrored one another behind the house, their yellow eyes opening and closing with boredom and knowing
as two raccoons played violent lovegames, unafraid of our watching

Sleep has become a delicate matter / my arms and legs are growing stronger.


...


There is a smell so good in this city.
There is a wetness in the grass and a sweetness light on the breeze.
The pressure of so much altitude, absent.
My family is here.


...


Some days ago, I spent the afternoon on the side of the Mountain
Laying in the Sun, I was reminded of my worship of it, forgotten, somehow in this long Winter
And beside me, all the grasses bowed their heads in agreement
Looking humbly ever downward, remembering the other half of the equation.
And baby cacti inspired cooing in me sweet as any human child could
And I curled up happily on the Earth and listened carefully to my thoughts.
 
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11:13pm 28/02/2011
  I can hear the creek best when I turn the lights out

One after the other, they come, in this parade of love and illusion
I try, gently, to remind myself that I am already the love my ego so desperately encourages me to seek outside my own heart.
I am enough!  Rejoice in that, Dear One!

There are ghosts outside my windows
and Spiders like pin points on a map all over the walls.

Back to my rock n' roll adolescence which has not really ended at all
Old black rolling stones t shirts and lacey panties in purses
Cowboy boots.BareFeet
naked legs 'neath short skirts

The granite gravel that makes up the trail around the lake
Ducks and geese and swans 

The air that comes in your windows as you drive down 6th Street on your way home, lonely.

That man with the spot on his face.  The restaurant he took you to.  You lost your ring in his car.  Found it.

The plants outside your house then.  The woman you gave them to when you left.  Did the neighbors all know?

This last Summer, lost in the shadow of dust of what you were, who you were.  Further South than usual.  In all the houses she looked after.
Pilfering from strangers' pantries and liquor cabinets.  Spending rainy days inside.  Lost in the space of so much time, uncommitted.
 
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08:51pm 20/02/2011
  tumblr_lgtr8uBBYi1qzcab6o1_1280</a>



I remember this feeling!

it is like that warm honeysummer light and icebluebaptismal water and breeze on bare skin all in an instant
it is like that driving down the nowhereholyhighway beneath your lover, the Sun, and hearing all the cactus outside the car humming lazily
it is like sweetshy suretrueandtender kisses under starry moonlit skies thatgoonforever in the wiseancientknowingembrace of a tree whose branches move softly in the night

it is the cat moving suggestively against your leg
the drydead grass rustling in the wind before the expanse of the plains below
trees in unbearablyperfect symmetry every way you look


It is so much sweetnessjoylove in your heart allatonce that you feel you may collapse in a fit of tears and laughter and wanting to make love and be held and shout loudly all at once!

It sends shivers through me.


and what I mean is, the whole world is conspiring marvelously to turn me on, just like it used to.

And it makes me want to climb to the top of something and sit very still
and to float, belly to the sky, in the creek of my beginnings
and to wake up earlybeforethesun to make the Tea and greet the Jays outside my window
and most of all, it makes me go mad for holding your hand and smiling real sweet, and making sure you know how precious you are.

For this whole life, this whole wide world, is nothing but Love itself.  Just Love enticing Love to realize that it is just that.



And Wise+Wildlover Hafiz says:

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye

that is always saying,

with that sweet moon language,

what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?


So go on!  Join these beautiful love games the which rivers and mountains and morning dew calling to you for.  There is not a second to spare in the utterly precious tenderness of it all.
 
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10:55pm 23/01/2011
  My sheets are dusty with the smell of my own sweet sweat
I can't sleep anymore.
It's this house.  There are squirrels living my attic.
They are so loud
they must be building a Motel
or trying to bust in through my ceiling.

gums bleeding from neglect
the opiate-like pleasure of romantic fixation

off tone. key.
 
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09:06am 01/12/2010
 

Wearing a skirt that belonged to my 12 year old self.  Same size waist once again.
A sweet yet crushing melancholy from the purgatory of this in-between.  Austin/Boulder.
There is this special time when the sun rises.  Everything is "tricked out in gilt" as Annie Dillard would say.
My two windows frame the sky miraculously.  I looked down for just a moment, and when my eyes returned to the spectacle, a cool grey had fallen over the whole world, the pink and gold disappeared until sunset, I suppose.
 
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07:21pm 29/07/2010
  "...and sex, the ultimate charade of safety."


 
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12:46am 21/07/2010
 
Isn't it funny how we just keep looking older?


 
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11:18pm 10/06/2010
 

September 2, 2008

Silverware in my purse
                      I am a true child
                                of the Road
 
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01:33pm 22/03/2010
  In Austin

This strange familiar place
Like a quilt I've slept beneath my entire life


I drove through Hyde Park high on the Opium produced by my own heart and head
Remembering lazy mornings
Lazy Afternoons
Long nights spent playing under covers
Riding bicycles through the chilled summer air
Hoping for an invitation home

I sat at the cafe I'd been to so many mornings before
And I missed myself dearly

The people here
that is what I have loved
that is Austin

This syrupy dripping through my heart down to down between my legs
ya, aching to be filled

This city has always been a distant lover
I open my heart so fully to her immensity and her past and all the warm, moist, shadowy parts of her being
And she glances over her shoulder casually, grinning teeth wide and white, laughing to herself
I've always wanted more of her
than she could bear to give me

This city means so much to me.
The lover I will never get over or forget.


The chill of winter is still on her breath
While I desire nothing more than to lay flat on her belly,
pressing my cheek to her grassy warm breast
smelling the sweet dirt on her skin
feeling the warmth of the sun on my bare legs

The nostolgia is overwhelming
Hypnotized by the joys and sorrows of desire yet unfulfilled.
 
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06:03pm 28/12/2009
  Just the first few notes of Joan Osborne make me long for the hot pavement of a Texas Summer.
The dirt in front of my poor friend's house where we had a yard.
Kittens under a couch
A dangerous older brother I had such a crush on him
Greasy Italian dead beat dad, no worse than my own

Sunset over the end of Lamar
didn't do all I'd said I would

I sang this song 6 years old
eyes shut peacefully
floating in a canoe on town lake
my baby sitter made fun of me
my first CD

I wore a go go dancer outfit--picnic blanket gingham baby pink polyester
I was 7
or 8

We argued about who was skinnier

The agony and irony of every age
Approaching 20
And 2010

I have paperwhite bulbs growing in my room, and cactus
Amaryllis in the bathroom
Makes me feel stable and competent

Crystals litter this house
Snow like carpet all over the city
Dirty piles of it
 
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11:09pm 07/07/2009
 

Hiya.



In this home once more.
This time with a new companion
One so small and open
Here to heal me.

I sat in the dark watching a boy my age writhe with an energy that was not his own
People circled 'round 'neath the near pinnacle of Mamma moon
An elegant and wild-eyed hermaphrodite spoke firmly to the crowd (Sac-relig.)
Enjoy the show.
Said David Bowie and the cast of Rocky Horror and the Goddess--all in a breath.
.
I left after the shirtless boy screamed at us to stop fucking OMing
Perhaps some things are not healed or helped by the heart.
Perhaps Rainbows battle darkness blindly when they should embrace it.

Leaving the gathering, there were clouds so white my passenger had to gasp
And stick is turbaned head out the window
He fed me buttery avocado from his wooden spoon.
Told me he enjoyed it.

After I dropped him off and it was just me and Her
in the car.
I felt so good. So free. So powerful. Siri Jodha.

If you want to know, just ask.

All is flow.
























 











This is for the Sisters (Brothers/Children) who Love themselves
Though they may be shaken
This is for the Sisters (Brothers/Children) who Love themselves
They will not fall

And I am
Singing this song for their Freedom
And I am
Singing this song for their Healing
And I am
Singing this song for their Wholeness
And I am
Singing this song for Love



 

Life to All.
Love to All.
Peace to All.



 
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11:25pm 29/06/2009
  Restored from saved draft:

emptying the vessel of a home once more

release release release
now capable of doing so

after two identical woman-sprites.  Woman-warriors
cleansed me and soothed me with primal breath and motion
in the dark
i couldn't breathe

all these things

his journal is words
and beautiful thoughts


And now for the present:

Renee was right.  My spiritual name means Great Warrior.
The exquisite irony of this life!

Tip-toed in the dark 'round a backyard of rose bushes
Trying to outsmart an escaped cat
It was the can of tuna that finally got him.

Irrelevant though.

Such a sweet walk down the dirt road from my favorite Home in Santa Fe to my favorite House in Santa Fe.
I happened upon bones and butterflies.
Chanted for radiance in time with my gait.
An evening of sincere discussion with my thumbless great-uncle
Defining Devotion vs. Attachment
I loved Vera's input; that to give selflessly is good only when the act contains beauty and is not swung on the hinge of obligation.
The way she spoke of beauty moved me.  A tangible force of nature was implied.

A divine longing.  For a marriage to myself.
A woman is capable of anything once she has given herself...to herSelf.





'

Additionally, I am all about this:

http://www.continuum-concept.org/cc_defined.html
http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/in-arms.html
http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html



....The other cat's back!



 
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02:56pm 23/05/2009
 













 
 
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07:37pm 21/05/2009
  Cash in my fanny pack
Smells like Majmua

Damiana and Passion Flowers ablaze
this afternoon
beneath the hot sun
above the cool water
above the
earth's core
         .
         .
         .
         .

         I
        I I
      I I I I
     I I I I I
   I I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I I I





  RADIATING
I I I I I I I I I I
   I I I I I I I
     I I I I I
      I I I I
        I I
         I
       . . .

         I
        I I
      I I I I
     I I I I I
   I I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I I I
love from above and below

Guru Ram Das Hai
Dharti Hai
Akash Hai

(and within)

And without.





My heart strings pulled

books so often say it best:

"Left with a question that would never be answered,
She felt
           unresolved
      disappointed
    sad
                  and a little disillusioned"



I should write song titles.
I do
all the time.


Sunbathed naked at high noon
with my best friend-the only woman whose breasts I can touch
without feeling awkwerrrd
or sexual
                                                     (that really means something!)

we rubbed each others' backs and arms
with Lemon Balm
from my Mother's neglected Garden
the mosquitos persisted
despite
our
efforts.



later

my fat cat lay near her pubic hair
she drifted to sleep
with her glasses folded
in her mouth


I learned a valuable lesson this month.
 
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11:35pm 10/05/2009
 

Ahh, Poetess,You've come to my bedside once again.
To brush my forehead lovingly.
To coo to me the soothing amaranthine song
I can often scarcely remember--even as I close my eyes very tight
asking the wind to remind me.

You've come to me again;
And all I have for you
is fat roaches scurrying across the berber carpet
Silent and still telephones
A sink full of dirty dishes
My own organs, day after day, moving one foot in front of the other.

And still, more roaches.



Ahh, Poetess,
How nice it would be to see you on the brighter of my nights
And the more vibrant of my days;
When I am in high spirits,
And all is well in my heart.

But I know,
You come to me only out of necessity.
When you need me.
(I do not resent you)

Or...
Is it when I need you?



I've forgotten which of us is which.
A merger so subtle and yet complete that I often forget you--so much a part of my person.
And yet not. So much a part of me-- just like them all.

But no, you are
So much a part of me
that you are more me
than myself.

Tonight we wrote together:
I don't know how much of me is me--and how much of me is you...
Or you...
Or you...
Or you.

Ah, Poetess--
It's you they all love.
(Although I'm unsure which of us - if either - is the shadow side)

If but for a short moment.
 


I do hope it is love.


Today I buried my Great Grandmother
for the second time.

A woman 30 feet away watered the grave of her son.
I was reminded to be kind
To remember that all that matters is
How much good you can do

How much you can love other people
And help them
Selflessly

That means neither of us, Poetess.
That means both of us. Together sometimes.

 
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